Obsessed

Today I went to a surprise 60th birthday party for my aunt. Lots of people were there from her side of the family and from her husbands side. This included lots of little ones. I overheard one lady (I had no idea who she was) telling my cousin how her daughter is pregnant with twins. My cousin is pregnant (it was an oops with a guy she met only a few months before), and she was there. My other cousin does daycare and lots of her daycare families were there. Plus a ton of other little kids that I didn't know, along with all my cousin's kids. This was very difficult for me.

My feelings on having children has drastically changed in the past few years. I've always known I wanted to have kids. I went through a baby crazy stage right after our wedding in '07. I knew it wasn't the right time though, because I was was more excited about being pregnant, and didn't think much about actually having the baby around. Now, I just want a baby. I don't know if I'll be able to wait for 9 + months (the + is because who knows when we'll get pregnant). I know how much my husband wants to be a father, and this is very hard for me because I feel like I am letting him down. Every time that dreaded time of the month comes, the first words out of my mouth to him are "I'm sorry." It's amazing what we women blame ourselves for.

I never knew this would be so hard. I mean, I was educated about the subject. I read up on it, I know how to chart my basal body temp, I know the types of fertile CM (sorry, TMI), and I know the ovulation signs that my body gives me. I have about 8 cousins (I have a big family) who accidentally got pregnant, all of them more than once, and all of them not married for at least the first unplanned pregnancy. They weren't even trying. I figured it'd be easy, two or three months and I'd be knocked up. Both of my SILs who have kids got pregnant right away. I had no reason to think it would take this long. Here I am on cycle 5/6 and on the verge of 6/7. I don't know if it's 5 or 6. I tend to want to pick the lower number as to not freak myself out so much. We started not avoiding in June, but we started timing it right in July, hence my confusion.

If you are interested, I have a link to my chart on the right side of this blog. I am not optimistic. I know my temp hasn't dipped below coverline yet, but it came pretty darn close. It's gone back up a bit, so it could have been an implantation dip, but I doubt it. I hate how I can't stop obsessing about it. At the beginning of my cycle, I'm fine up until about 4 or 5 dpo. Then I am looking so hard for some sort of sign up until AF comes. Every time I get on my computer, I look at my chart, like it's going to change. I don't know what I'm hoping to find. And I have POAS every day for the last three days. In fact, my POAS addiction is so bad that I buy tests in bulk online. I think I have a probelm :oP

I sure hope I get pregnant soon. I don't know how many more months of this I can take.