Um... holy crap!

I'm pregnant!

This morning, I woke up and my temp was still up, so I decided to take one of my internet cheapo pregnancy tests. I saw a very very faint line that didn't show up for about 6 minutes. I figured it was an evaporation line, so I pulled out a Dollar Tree test and it had an even more faint line than the last one. So I used another internet cheapie. And since I didn't believe the first three, I used a digital. When I read the words "Pregnant" on the digital test, I lost it. I started crying and saying "I'm pregnant!" over and over and over. I think my dog thought I was crazy.

Wow. I can't believe it. I'm on cloud nine. Seriously.

James is still in New Mexico. I definitely want to tell him in person, so I'm going to wait until I pick him up from the airport. I want to see his face when I tell him. How the heck am I supposed to keep this a secret for three days!?!?! I'm sure I'll be writing on here a lot to get it all out since I have no one to tell.

Apparently pregnancy symptoms happen right away because, man, I am so hungry! I just ate breakfast an hour and a half ago!

Obsessed

Today I went to a surprise 60th birthday party for my aunt. Lots of people were there from her side of the family and from her husbands side. This included lots of little ones. I overheard one lady (I had no idea who she was) telling my cousin how her daughter is pregnant with twins. My cousin is pregnant (it was an oops with a guy she met only a few months before), and she was there. My other cousin does daycare and lots of her daycare families were there. Plus a ton of other little kids that I didn't know, along with all my cousin's kids. This was very difficult for me.

My feelings on having children has drastically changed in the past few years. I've always known I wanted to have kids. I went through a baby crazy stage right after our wedding in '07. I knew it wasn't the right time though, because I was was more excited about being pregnant, and didn't think much about actually having the baby around. Now, I just want a baby. I don't know if I'll be able to wait for 9 + months (the + is because who knows when we'll get pregnant). I know how much my husband wants to be a father, and this is very hard for me because I feel like I am letting him down. Every time that dreaded time of the month comes, the first words out of my mouth to him are "I'm sorry." It's amazing what we women blame ourselves for.

I never knew this would be so hard. I mean, I was educated about the subject. I read up on it, I know how to chart my basal body temp, I know the types of fertile CM (sorry, TMI), and I know the ovulation signs that my body gives me. I have about 8 cousins (I have a big family) who accidentally got pregnant, all of them more than once, and all of them not married for at least the first unplanned pregnancy. They weren't even trying. I figured it'd be easy, two or three months and I'd be knocked up. Both of my SILs who have kids got pregnant right away. I had no reason to think it would take this long. Here I am on cycle 5/6 and on the verge of 6/7. I don't know if it's 5 or 6. I tend to want to pick the lower number as to not freak myself out so much. We started not avoiding in June, but we started timing it right in July, hence my confusion.

If you are interested, I have a link to my chart on the right side of this blog. I am not optimistic. I know my temp hasn't dipped below coverline yet, but it came pretty darn close. It's gone back up a bit, so it could have been an implantation dip, but I doubt it. I hate how I can't stop obsessing about it. At the beginning of my cycle, I'm fine up until about 4 or 5 dpo. Then I am looking so hard for some sort of sign up until AF comes. Every time I get on my computer, I look at my chart, like it's going to change. I don't know what I'm hoping to find. And I have POAS every day for the last three days. In fact, my POAS addiction is so bad that I buy tests in bulk online. I think I have a probelm :oP

I sure hope I get pregnant soon. I don't know how many more months of this I can take.

I want my baby back!

So yesterday James called and told me they were going to have him stay in Clovis until next Wednesday. Today, he told me he isn't coming back until next Thursday. At this rate, I'll be lucky to see him by Thanksgiving. Grrr...

Here's what I'm hoping for:
Right now I am at 6 dpo. I will probably start testing around 9 or 10 dpo because I can't resist. DH is coming back on what will be 14 dpo. I am hoping that I'll find out I'm pregnant while he's gone and I'll be able to surprise him with a little baby toy or piece of clothing at the airport. Hey, a girl can dream, right? It's about time I get knocked up already. It's been 5 months since we started trying.

I miss my Jamesy!

I dropped James off at the airport this morning :( I am sort of looking forward to having some time to myself, but at the same time I'm going to really miss him. Yes, I know it's only for 5 days, but I always get this horrible anxiety when he's out of town without me. Like something bad is going to happen. I know it's probably very irrational, but in light of recent events (the unexpected death of my cousin) my anxiety seems to be heightened. Oh well, not much to be done. I might as well enjoy it.

I was thinking about what I should do with my time since James won't be around. I think tonight I'm going to work out (one area in which I've been slacking) and then I'll clean the house (ok, two area's in which I've been slacking). Then, I think I'll catch up on some of my trashy shows and girly movies on DVR. I was considering making wine part of the equation, especially since I got some really good blackberry wine at the Pride of Dakota show this weekend. However, I probably shouldn't just in case this is our month. Wouldn't want to harm any potential babies. I am supposed to test on the 20th, but I highly doubt I'll be able to wait until then.

Happy Friday!!

Yay for the weekend!

Yesterday, we found out that James has to go to New Mexico for his job for almost a week. He's leaving on Monday :( I am sad and I will miss him, but at the same time, it might be nice to have some time to myself for a little while. I think this might be too much time though. After a day or two I'm sure I'll be ready for him to come home. Whenever he travels for work, I always worry about him. I'm a worry wart. I'm just glad that I already ovulated for the month. We should be done baby dancing by the time he leaves.

Jame and I are going to our local high school's (my alma mater) production of The Hobbit tonight along with my parents. I like going to these things. I mostly like musicals because I was into that kind of thing in high school, but I enjoy plays too.

I go to my old high school once a week to get homework for our students, and while I was there this week, I talked to my old choir director. Ever since I sang at my cousin's funeral on Monday I've been in singing withdrawl. It really made me realize how much I miss it. I asked said choir director what my options are and he recommended that I join a very popular community choir called Master Chorale. I just might. I am going to email my former voice instructor who is a member and ask about the auditioning process. I would prefer solo singing, but I'll take anything.

I was also thinking about contacting the church that my cousin's funeral was at and getting on some kind of list of singers that they call for funeral's and wedding and that kind of stuff. I figured it might be a good way to make some extra money doing something I love, especially when summer comes and I won't be working. I know the Priest at the funeral commented to my aunt that I was a "great vocalist." It's not my church, but I liked singing there because they have a choir loft (unlike my more modern church) and the congregation can't see you, so it helped my nerves. Also, they have an organ (also unlike my church) so it's easy to change keys if the song is too high or low. And the church has amazing acoustics, so it really is nice to sing there.

Well, it's something to think about at least.

Enjoy the weekend!

Yes We Did!

All I have to say is YAY!

Yay for Obama, yay for the changes he'll make, and yay for getting GW the hell out of there.

And for all those McCain supporters out there. I know it's tough, and I feel for you, but get over it. Now you know how we felt when Bush was elected... TWICE.

That is all.

Back to Life

Well, today was the funeral. The singing went well. I didn't choke up, my voice just quivered a few times because I was trying to keep from crying. I almost felt a little guilty getting so much attention at my cousin's funeral. Most of my family had never heard me sing before. Those were the best reactions. The organist tried to recruit me for a singing group she's in called the Sweet Adelines. She said they needed a "nice clear lead voice." I'd love to join, but the youngest person in that group is probably 30 years older than me and I think I'd feel weird. My uncle also invited me to join his band, however, I don't really think they play my type of music. And now my two aunts are determined to get me to sing at their church for mass on Sundays. To be honest, I miss all the attention from my singing, but again, I felt guilty.

The bad thing was that I had to sit in the choir loft with only the organist. I felt kind of alone. When I went down and met my family after the funeral, my mom hugged me and I just started balling. Probably because I had to hold it all in while I was singing, so when it was over, I just let it all out. It's amazing how much better a person feels after a funeral. It really does help with closure.

I still can't believe he's gone. We found out that his heart attack was due to something called Fibronous Pericarditis. He had little fibers in the sack around his heart (pericardium) that constrict the heart. I guess something like 90% of people who have this are diagnosed post-mortem.

On a happier note, I got a Kitchen Aid mixer yesterday! I was so excited! My parents bought it for me for my birthday. My birthday isn't until December 26th, but I mentioned that I really wanted to buy one for my holiday baking, and my mom thought it would be a good idea to give it to me as an early birthday present. I already love it so much. I made cookies last night, and today I made onion buns, which turned out more like biscuits, but James loved them. The dough hook is AWESOME! I really like making bread and pizza dough and stuff, but I always hated having to put flour all over the counter and kneed it. Now the dough hook on my KA mixer will do all the work for me! Seriously, if you like to bake and you don't have one, you should.